Bat-Mystery Solved: Joel Schumacher Was Right

By | 1 comment

Disclaimer: The comic book excerpts included have not been altered in any way. Only their context was removed.


© Copyright DC Comics

© Copyright DC Comics

After years of speculation, the controversial question of Batman’s sexual orientation has finally been answered. As evidenced by this excerpt from Justice League of America #44, the Caped Crusader and his sidekick Robin are indeed a “dynamic” duo. (In spite of their costumes, the Atom, the Flash, and Green Lantern are however heterosexual.)

Though Batman and his “old chum” had kept their affair in the bat-closet, this revelation comes as little surprise to their colleagues in the Justice League. “Deep down, I’ve known for years,” claims founding member Superman, “even before they got those suits with the nipples. They kept trying to convert me, and it wasn’t always subtle. And I mean, really, who nicknames their sidekick Boy Wonder?”

© Copyright DC Comics

© Copyright DC Comics

Though kept a secret, Batman’s homosexuality is rumoured to have been the source of many Justice League conflicts over the years, including Superman’s controversial “The Bat-Witch Must Burn!” campaign. The Man of Steel denies the allegation, suggesting his involvement with the radical group should be stricken from the record: “To heck with Hypertime! I still say if it happened pre-Crisis, then it doesn’t count.”

© Copyright DC Comics

© Copyright DC Comics

The Martian Manhunter, obscure character and founding member of the Justice League, insists Batman’s outing will not affect his membership. “The decision would have to be unanimous,” explains the alien, “This seems unlikely: Wonder Woman spent her entire childhood among lesbians, and, unlike Superman, I was brought up on Mars, not in a red state.” Political potshots aside, Batman’s future with the Justice League remains to be seen.

But what of Batman’s past? How did the Dark Knight discover his homosexuality? Asked about Batman’s youth, an anonymous source suggests the Caped Crusader might have lived in denial until late adulthood: “Though he dated a lot, Master Bru… Batman never showed much interest in women. He was always so focused on his training.”

Some believe the Joker to be the true reason why Batman is “batting for the other team”. In Batman #66, the Clown Prince of Crime is shown tricking the super-hero into his “greatest boner”, perhaps stirring long repressed desires.

The Joker was unavailable for comment, but Catwoman had this to say: “Oh, please! Batman was gay long before that Joker incident. I still remember the night we met. I mean, look at me! I have a body most supermodels would kill for, and I run around in a skin-tight cat suit. No straight man could’ve resisted me.”

Will Batman’s Justice League membership be revoked? When did the world’s greatest detective realize he was gay? Is this truly the result of the Joker’s scheme? With so much left unclear, it seems the revelation of Batman’s true sexual identity is raising more questions than answers. Here are a few other questions to ponder:

How will the women in Batman’s life react to the news?

© Copyright DC Comics

© Copyright DC Comics

Will the Caped Crusader join the Gay Pride Parade next year?

© Copyright DC Comics

© Copyright DC Comics

Is that really a lever Superman is pulling?

© Copyright DC Comics

© Copyright DC Comics

Whatever controversial truths lie beneath these confounding mysteries, only one thing is certain: we all owe Joel Schumacher an apology.

subscribe-on-youtube subscribe-on-itunes join-us-on-facebook Follow us on Twitter
Category: Random Thoughts | Tags: , ,

          
Editor in Chief / Movie Critic: When he started this site, Dimitri never thought he'd be writing blurbs about himself in the third person. In his other life, he works as a writer, translator, and editor for various publications in print and online. His motto is, "Have pen, will travel."