One of the most obnoxious types of junk mail I have ever received is the feel-good, cliché-ridden chain letter: “If you are a loving friend, send this to fifty-five of your closest friends, and you will see that they love you too!” Ugh. Below are excerpts from such a letter along with a few editorial comments:
“Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one. IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!”
No need to yell. I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU PERFECTLY WELL WITHOUT THE USE OF UPPERCASE LETTERS.
1. “Falling in love.”
Hurts when you go at it face first.
2. “Laughing so hard your face hurts.”
And other masochistic endeavours.
3. “A hot shower.”
Your spouse is sharing with another lover.
4. “No lines at the supermarket.”
But still having to wait because the cashier just has to tell her colleague what Cindy’s boyfriend did last night at the party.
5. “A special glance.”
From your drunken uncle.
6. “Getting mail.”
Such as bills and adverts.
7. “Taking a drive on a pretty road.”
Knowing that you are slowly sending it all to hell with the polluting fumes from your exhaust pipe.
8. “Hearing your favorite song on the radio.”
And hearing its fabulous ending cut so the DJ can remind you for the twelfth time to which station you’re listening.
9. “Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.”
Then realizing the reason you can hear it is because you left the window open and you probably shouldn’t have put your computer there.
10. “Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.”
Need to be folded like the rest of your interminable laundry.
11. “Chocolate milkshake (or vanilla or strawberry).”
Taunting you and mocking your unsuccessful diet.
12. “A bubble bath.”
With a plugged-in toaster.
13. “A good conversation.”
That halts abruptly as soon as you try to contribute to it.
14. “The beach.”
Printed on your MasterCard as a reminder of the trip you can’t afford.
15. “Laughing at yourself.”
If you can’t beat them, join them, right?
16. “Midnight phone calls that last for hours.”
And having to go to work the next morning, knowing you could’ve resumed this conversation at a more convenient time.
17. “Running through sprinklers.”
With the final report your boss requested in five minutes.
18. “Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.”
Because life refuses to give you one.
19. “Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.”
And the harmonious cackle that usually follows.
20. “Laughing at an inside joke.”
That you just told a bunch of confused strangers. Get off the stage!
21. “Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.”
And the ability to recognize sarcasm from a person’s tone.
22. “Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.”
And then endlessly rolling around in your bed, wide awake.
23. “Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).”
And realizing how inept you are at relationships when it occurs to you that this is your third “first kiss” this month.
24. “Making new friends or spending time with old ones.”
In the morgue.
25. “Playing with a new puppy.”
Because you had to put the old one to sleep this morning.
26. “Having someone play with your hair.”
And learning he or she is a practical joker with a fetish for Crazy Glue.
27. “Sweet dreams.”
Then waking up to your pathetic reality.
28. “Hot chocolate.”
Dropped on your pants, right between the legs.
29. “Road trips with friends.”
Who insist on playing their compilation tape of their favourite boy band.
30. “Swinging on swings.”
While your spouse is swinging that other way.
31. “Making eye contact with a cute stranger.”
With spinach between your teeth.
32. “Making chocolate chip cookies.”
For your ungrateful children who’re probably doing drugs as we speak.
33. “Having your friends send you homemade cookies.”
Because they’d never do anything nice unless you had them do it.
34. “Holding hands with someone you care about.”
Who gently turns around, kisses you, then calls you the wrong name.
35. “Running into an old friend and realizing that some things never change.”
They still pull your underwear to your neck when cool kids come by.
36. “Watching the sunrise.”
From the window at your workplace.
37. “Getting out of bed every morning, grateful for another beautiful day.”
Because, well, what else have you got to be grateful about?
38. “Knowing that somebody misses you.”
39. “Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.”
Just before he or she asks for a divorce.
40. “Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.”
And still getting crap for it.