Have you ever wondered who compose junk mail such as chain letters and e-mail surveys? Whoever these people are, they usually don’t have much in terms of grammar skills or courtesy. The biggest problem though is that these letters are usually so poorly written it’s hard to know what you’re being asked. As demonstrated below, it can be demotivating:
“Copy these questions and paste them onto an e-mail. Then answer all the questions and send the e-mail to a bunch of people you know. DON’T BE LAME! Just do it, and don’t be spoiling the fun!”
“Don’t be spoiling the fun”? I don’t care for your tone. It’s very upsetting.
1. What time is it?
I’m upset. Check your own watch.
2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate?
My birth certificate is known, as most birth certificates, as a birth certificate. It thus says “birth certificate” on it.
3. Number of candles on your last birthday cake?
Whatever happened to complete sentences and to saying “please” How rude!
4. Date that you regularly blow them out?
Blow whom out? I will not condone murder or any such act of violence.
Whom should I nickname?
6. Hair colour?
Yes, my hair has colour.
No, my hair does not have tattoos.
8. How much do you love your job on a scale of 1-10?
Is ten a mark of high appreciation or of deep-seeded hatred? One should really specify these things when imposing a scale.
9. Favourite colour?
Purple gets a seven and yellow gets a four. Do you see how unhelpful a grade is when you don’t know how the scale works?
Thank you, I already have one.
11. Current residence?
Why? Will you send me a statement?
12. Favourite food?
Why? Are you making me dinner?
13. Been in a car accident?
I’m sure that’s not where we met. You have the worst pickup lines.
14. Croutons or bacon bits?
In a fair fight, I believe the croutons would win, but in a dirty no-rules brawl to the death, I say bacon bits.
15. Favourite day of the week?
Of which week? Precision, people!
16. Favourite restaurant?
Are you paying?
17. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
You’re a “glass half empty” kind of person, aren’t you?
18. Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry?
I’m not sure what I’m being asked: if I’ve been so in love that, following a tragedy, my passion for my unfortunate betrothed caused me to cry or if I’ve contemplated my passion for someone and, in an act of complete self-involvement, began shedding happy tears.
19. Which single store would you max out your credit card in?
Why would I want to max out my credit card?
20. What do you do most often when you’re bored?
I generally try to avoid activities that bore me.
21. Most annoying thing people ask or tell me?
How should I know? I don’t even know who you are.
22. When is your bed time?
Sometime before I sleep as is the case with most people.
23. Who are your children and their ages?
This is really two questions. First, “Who are your children?” Fair enough. The problem comes with the second question, which should read, “Who are their ages?” I’m not sure how to answer that.
24. Time you finished this survey?
Paradox: I can’t finish it until I’ve answered this question and the next.
25. Reason you answered this survey?
I haven’t. I’m pretty sure I dodged every question. Does this qualify as “spoiling the fun”?