Disclaimer: The comic book excerpts included have not been altered in any way. Only their context was removed.
In response to the objectively moronic claims by conservative pundits that the Defense of Marriage Act was repealed as part of a federal conspiracy to destroy American families, former president Lex Luthor released shocking evidence that award-winning journalist Lois Lane, not liberal values, may be responsible for the nation’s growing divorce rate. “Only one person has ever managed to coerce all nine Supreme Court justices, and it’s not that hack, Obama,” Luthor stated, “I do admire his drone program, though, and his willingness to squash freedom of press.”
As depicted in countless issues of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane, the famed Daily Planet reporter tied the knot practically every other month throughout the sixties and early seventies, skewing U.S. census statistics in a way only the villainous cyber librarian Braniac could have predicted. Her former spouses include a Jetson, a war hero, Superman’s pal Jimmy Olsen, some Romney relative named Lance, and a convict whom S.E. Cupp presumes to be extremely rich.
Lane declined to comment, but her colleague and frenemy Lana Lang had the following to say: “Despite her celebrated career, which, believe me, she’ll keep rubbing in your face, Lois has always been a shameless gold digger. If she’s not after your money, then it’s power she’s looking for, the sort only, say, the last son of Krypton could wield, or maybe the Antichrist.” Indeed, issues 58, 89, and 193 of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane show the ace reporter marrying millionaire orphan Bruce Wayne, some offensive Arab stereotype, and Satan respectively.
It’s worth noting that, as evidenced in issues 74 and 79 of the comics series, the Daily Planet journalist was forced into a number of these relationships, owing to obscure state legislation designed to favour masked Americans with hammers on their chest or red Ts on their abdomen over Kryptonian immigrants. “I know I should have helped Lois with that whole Titanman debacle,” explained Superman in a recent interview, “but my inaction was a requirement of my path to citizenship.”
He added, “Besides, our relationship was pretty rocky back then, what with her hooking up with my biological dad and all. Of course, she ended up tying the knot with his old neighbour Dahr-Nel instead, but that’s Earth One time travel for you. I have to admit that I was pretty broken-hearted over it. When their marriage inevitably failed, I even tried setting Lois up with her next husband in the hopes that it would make it easier for me to move on.” A secondary source confirmed that these events took place in issues 59, 90, and 132 of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane.
Indeed, Lane is known for her love-hate relationship with Superman. For every instance of the Kryptonian hero rescuing her from alien terrorists, there are reports of verbal abuse and public shaming such as the ones depicted in issues 63 and 99 of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane. Some believe that the woman is a masochist for staying with the man of steel, that, for all of her accomplishments, she can’t help but seek humiliation from a superior being. Others claim religion has nothing to do with it.
According to Luthor, Lane simply has difficulty accepting her darker nature, leading to twisted sexual games with the super-hero community and violent fetishes involving America’s favourite Boy Scout. “My private investigators have dug up interesting evidence backing up this claim,” he revealed, “and I’m not talking about the sort of vague, made-up inanities Donald Trump’s team might come up with. I have real proof from issue 73 of her own comic book series.”
When asked whether he was doing this to hurt Lane’s career and reputation, Luthor replied in reference to issues 34 and 35 of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane, “I just wish Lois would be honest with herself. There’s a reason I was the only man ever able to give her the life she’s always wanted. Part of me still misses her, of course, though I wish she could keep the name of our son straight.”
However, there is a silver lining, and Superman was quick to point it out: “Thing are better now, and we did end up together after all. Since then, we’ve only divorced and remarried eight or nine times.” He added before flying away, “Besides, it’s not like Lois is one of those sinful, marriage-destroying gays DOMA was meant to protect us against, like Bat… My wife is whispering to me from across the globe that I’m not helping. Goodbye.”
All we have to say is, let’s hope the man of steel never finds out about this: