The Super-Hero Tabloid Answers Mail!

Disclaimer: Neither the comic nor mail excerpts included have been altered in any way. Web links were omitted to avoid giving spammers free advertisement.

Following the publication of our shocking exposé on the Xavier Institute’s secret sex ring, our offices have been inundated with correspondence from both avid truth seekers and pro-establishment conspirators trying to suppress the truth. If it seems like, in fact, we’re merely padding our letters column with snarky replies to e-mail spam, it’s not because we’re grossly misrepresenting our presence in the cultural zeitgeist. Rather, it serves as proof that our so-called heroes have teamed up with the likes of Mysterio and Mastermind to warp your perception of reality!

 

© Copyright DC Comics

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Don’t contradict with some jealousy at not being supposed a good walker. “Oh, yes, he did not seem to want to be near enough for conversation. From the moment of this girl’s birth, child, I should like to join you very much, I am very fond of a long walk.” I intend to be her friend. I intend to be her godmother.

Todd Delfuente

We can’t say we’ve ever been all that curious where people get their medicine, but thank you for the information. We should however point out that we don’t consider man’s care an affliction or a disorder. As we uncovered in our very first scoop, the Dark Knight would not approve of the homophobic implications, and he’s been known to hold a grudge! As for your final paragraph, we’re not sure unsettling potential customers with surrealist prose is the best sales strategy, but don’t you give up on your dream to become that girl’s friendly godmother, Todd.

 

© Copyright DC Comics

Rolex is forever. Are you for it?

Get the finest Rolex watch replica!

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Anonymous

Thanks for writing. When we read your first line, we thought this was a petition, and we couldn’t figure out why anyone would oppose the durability of a Rolex. Also, we don’t fully understand how “perfectly accurate” can constitute less than one hundred percent or how ninety-eight percent can be considered “all proper markings”. Did Superman do your math for you? At any rate, here’s what we really want to know: why would your walking around with an expensive purse make us want to buy a watch from you?

 

© Copyright DC Comics

MAKE HUGE PROFITS FROM SMALL MOVEMENTS IN THE EURO!

Learn the investment secrets used by banks, institutional traders, and clever speculators all around the world. Find out how the Euro will change the economic world and how you can profit!

Never before have so many countries with such powerful economies united to use a single currency. This means even a small movement in the market has huge profit potential.

Profit Forex

Unfortunately, no article about the Euro currency is planned at this time, Profit. Though we can tell your enthusiasm, what with the uppercase letters and exclamation points, we’re just not sure how we feel about readers giving us homework. Besides, as we understand it, Superman only accepts American dollars, so, if you haven’t paid him your protection dues yet, we strongly advise you convert whatever funds you have available now!

 

© Copyright Penguin Random House

Our chemist zone has shoppers a lawful access to brand name medis. Select from a wide assortment of quality medis.

With a broad variety of medis on afflictions, erection dysfunctions, high cholesterin, tension relief, overweight, muscles relaxants, sleeping difficulties, or man’s health, our cyber medic dispenses quick cures. Have the order sent to you quickly. It is straightforward and quick! These are quality medis that you have been looking for. Catch this chance to lessen the costs and have your case notes reviewed by certified advisers for nil.

Depressed dreams and nightmares, Louisa was now recovering apace. Her mother could even think of her. The Wallises, she had amusement in understanding them. Lady Dalrymple, I had the return of day, noon, after noon, evening, being able to join their party at home, before her brothers and sisters, when the boys played in the churchyard, and I watched them.

Lloyd Deans

It’s funny you should mention this, Lloyd, because Todd was just telling us the exact same thing. That’s quite a coincidence, isn’t it? Anyway, We’re glad to hear Louisa is doing better. She was terrific in Jane Austen’s Persuasion, though we must confess that we’ve always found Pride and Prejudice to have a bit more edge to it.

 

Dear Business Owner,

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With your permission, I would like to send you a detailed proposal describing how we can assist your company in reaching your Internet sales goals.

Sincerely,

Barry Burns

 

© Copyright Marvel Comics

Barry, we’re afraid we can’t accept any proposal until somebody explains to us just what an organic ranking is meant to be. Is it a measurement of the living tissue on our online magazine (we’re pretty sure that amounts to zero), or is it a genetically-engineered abomination born of the fusion of ranking DNA with armadillo stem cells, the product of science gone mad and boundless human arrogance? Come to think of it, is anyone regulating the organic quality of your rankings? For all we know, you could be growing your organic rankings in the same fields as your regular rankings, using the same chemical products, and then slapping an “organic” label on the package to sell them at twice the price. As Aunt May can attest, when you don’t know what it is, you’re better off not touching the thing!

 

© Copyright DC Comics & Marvel Comics

Dear Website Owner,

If I could get you five times the RELEVANT traffic at a substantially reduced cost would you be interested? We can place your website on top of the Natural Listings on Google, Yahoo and MSN. Our Search Engine Optimization team delivers more top rankings than anyone else and we can prove it. We do not use “link farms” or “black hat” methods that Google and the other search engines frown upon and can use to de-list or ban your site. The techniques are proprietary, involving some valuable closely held trade secrets. Our prices are less than half of what other companies charge.

I would be happy to send you a proposal using the top search phrases for your area of expertise. Please contact me at your convenience so I can start saving you some money. Please do not hesitate to email or call me if you would like further information.

Sincerely,

Neal Stone

You can’t fool us, Neal. You may have used a different e-mail account, a different name, and a different font (the original e-mail was in Calibri), but we know you’re really Barry… Or maybe Barry is really you. Never mind. The point is that you guys offer the same service and have the exact same address, and if you’re not the same person, you really need to coordinate better. Besides, “No” means “No”, Neal… Or Barry… Or Superman.

 

© Copyright Marvel Comics

A genuine university degree in 4-6 weeks!

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Leave a message 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays.

Emil Strong

There are just so many things wrong with this e-mail. Let’s start with the infuriating notion that universities are about “a few letters behind your name”. The purpose of any school is to educate, to provide skills and knowledge for future endeavours. If you don’t show up for any of the classes, you don’t get the know-how associated with the degree. Now, we know what you’re thinking: the plan isn’t to go back to school. What Emil Strong is offering is a chance to acquire a diploma without the hassles of courses, books, and that pesky thing called learning. Well, we know of another place where you can get a degree without following any academic curriculum: the Xavier Institute. You can see how that worked out for Iceman.

 

© Copyright Marvel Comics

Changing careers but lack the right degree?

Want the degree but cannot find the time?

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

We provide a concept that will allow anyone with sufficient work experience to obtain a fully verifiable University degree: Bachelors, Masters, or even a Doctorate.

Think of it. Within four to six weeks, you too could be a college graduate.

Many people share the same frustration. They are all doing the work of the person that has the degree, and the person that has the degree is getting all the money.

Do not you think that it is time you were paid fair compensation for the level of work you are already doing?

This is your chance to finally make the right move and receive your due benefits.

If you are like most people, you are more than qualified with your experience but are lacking that prestigious piece of paper known as a diploma that is often the passport to success.

CALL US TODAY AND GIVE YOUR WORK EXPERIENCE THE CHANCE TO EARN YOU THE HIGHER COMPENSATION YOU DESERVE!

Alexandria Travis

First of all, lacking a degree and being unable to find time are not ideas (let alone a single one), no matter how many upper case letters you use in your e-mail. Second, it’s “the person who has a degree”, not “the person that has a degree”. Somehow, we “do not you think” you would be making these mistakes if you’d gone to school. Also, a diploma is just a piece of paper the same way an Olympic gold medal is just a metallic disk attached to a rope. You can buy all the phoney awards in the world. It won’t change the fact you don’t have the training they represent. Take the narrator of The X-Men #2, for example. He got himself a very convincing narration degree from a fake university, but he still got fired after just a few panels because he couldn’t do the job. It turns out Colours 101 is a more useful course than he expected.

 

© Copyright Marvel Comics
© Copyright Marvel Comics

Time, money keeping you from earning the degree you deserve?

University degree!

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Leave a message 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays.

Emil Colon

STOP YELLING AT US. WE DON’T RESPOND TO THESE KINDS OF PRESSURE TECHNIQUES. Forget the absurdity of getting a college degree without “tests, classes, books, or examinations”. This is the part that absolutely flabbergasts us: “Confidentiality assured!” If you were buying yourself a diploma to flaunt in front of potential employers, why in the world would you want it to be confidential? It makes no sense! It’s the kind of harebrained, contradictory scheme we’d expect from a low-rent super-criminal like Mesmero!


Editor in Chief / Movie Critic: When he started this site, Dimitri never thought he'd be writing blurbs about himself in the third person. In his other life, he works as a writer, translator, and editor for various publications in print and online. His motto is, "Have pen, will travel."