Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

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Director: Michael Bay
Writers: Ehren Kruger, Alex Kurtzman, and Roberto Orci
Cast: Josh Duhamel, Kevin Dunn, Megan Fox, Tyrese Gibson, Shia LaBeouf, Isabel Lucas, Ramon Rodriguez, John Turturro, and Julie White


© Copyright Paramount Pictures

© Copyright Paramount Pictures

Some motion pictures challenge their viewers. Others comfort them. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen does neither, assaulting the audience with its empty characterisation, raucous incoherence, and giant robot testicles. I came out of the theatre desperate for conversation, not to rail on the addlebrained sequel to Transformers (2007) or its substance-challenged director, Michael Bay, but to once again engage my heart and mind. I suspect that’s why I wrote the ten haikus below.

Robots Galore

To remove the pit
The first film’s boyhood wonder
One must tear the fruit

The WGA Strike

Like snow in Burbank
No writer is found on set
Production goes on

Prerequisite Synopsis

The Fallen returns
Shia LaBeouf gets visions
But neither blossoms

Prime Paradox

Only Primes kill Primes
The rest are bugs fighting rain
Bugs kill Optimus

The Constant

Over sand or grass
Shia ever runs and shouts
No, no, no, no, no

Stereo Types

Garden divided
By Long Duk Dong, by Jar Jar
By Skids and Mudflap

Jetfire

How do you travel
When the owl becomes a plane?
By teleporting

© Copyright Paramount Pictures

© Copyright Paramount Pictures


Bay’s Anatomy

Sunrays hit the bike
On which to show front and rear
Megan Fox contorts

More than Meets Design

Like trees to forests
A hundred cogs to each limb
I can’t see a thing

One-Hour Climax

Fast cars, fiery skies
Bang, bang go the Transformers
So awesome I’m bored

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