25 Signs You Grew Up in the Nineties

In response to the popular “Child of the eighties” lists floating around the Internet, I present you with my personal “Teen of the nineties” list. You know you were a teenager in the nineties when…

1. You’re sick of that Cranberries song: zoh-ombie, zoh-ombie, ooh, ooh, SHUT UP!

2. You’re confused about the meaning of the word “irony” and wonder if Alanis Morissette ever got a hold of a dictionary.

3. You giggle like a school girl when you hear the words “master” and “domain” in the same sentence.

4. You start a “grandpa” speech about the good old days every time you see Saturday Night Live.

5. You believe violence against children is a terrible thing only if it doesn’t involve the Olsen twins.

6. You’re confused by your recent feelings of non-annoyance at Brad Pitt.

7. You’re still annoyed at Macaulay Culkin though.

8. You mock the eighties relentlessly.

9. You recall when “interesting Star Trek show” wasn’t an oxymoron.

10. You remember when Mariah Carey wasn’t a skank.

11. You remember when Kevin Smith was the next big thing and that was no pun.

12. The mere mention of Bob Saget fills you with murderous rage.

13. You think grunge is music.

14. The name Christian Slater actually rings a bell.

15. You keep losing at poker because every time you get a full house, you sigh and mutter, “God, that show sucked.”

16. You think you’re witty when you re-enact a scene from The Simpsons. (You’re not. Really. You’re not.)

17. Your hatred for Sunny D commercials is only rivalled by your hatred for Pizza Pockets commercials.

18. When one films you with a Handycam, you fear a football in the groin.

19. When you get a football in the groin or any other accident happens, you hear one of Bob Saget’s annoying voices being unfunny as hell.

20. When you hear of the bald eagle, you think of the triumphant return of Don Henley and company and of their live album Hell Freezes Over.

21. When you engage in home improvement, the image of a Neanderthal married to a moralizing shrew crosses your mind.

22. You can recall the fall of the U.S.S.R., the fall of good cartoon programming, and the fall of Michael Jackson’s face.

23. You briefly recall Arby’s Canada. (You’d also recall barfing.)

24. You still consider Super Mario World and The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past the best video games of all time.

25. You associate the term “Pearl Jam” with music instead of porn.