Disclaimer: An acquaintance e-mailed me about gay porn while I was writing this article, so that’s pretty much all I had on my mind.
What would Christmas be without zombies? No, really. How do you think Santa manages to stay in business when he keeps giving stuff away for free? His enterprise might have started with elves, but that all went south as soon as they started talking about forming a union. At first, he’d get rid of every Jimmy Hoffa in the bunch by serving his or her dead carcass as chunky fruitcake, but then he learnt Voodoo and realised he could use the soulless bodies as free labour. He also launched a new gay porn line, but that’s just good business sense. Anyway, here’s a holiday gift guide for fans of The Walking Dead. I’ve also included a little something in the end to thank you all for a wonderful year.
Now, as most of you know, the acclaimed comic book series on which the show is based is still ongoing, but the first seventy-eight issues have been collected into thirteen affordable volumes. Any of these would make a killer gift for new The Walking Dead enthusiasts, but you should probably start with volume one.
For Fans of Walkers
Gay porn? No, no, there are three movies any zombie fan should see, and, as it turns out, they’re all written and directed by George A. Romero. Of course, I’m referring to Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and Day of the Dead (1985), all of which are available in a DVD combo pack known as the Trilogy of the Dead, or at least they are in the UK. If you think your loved one would rather gay porn, I suppose there’s always the XXX parody Gay of the Dead, though you should know I just made that title up.
For Fans of Rick
Your loved one may appreciate the heroic characters in the series more than the ghoulish extras. Alternately, he or she may like both. If that’s the case, a set of undead Minimates might do the trick. The blocky little figurines include Zombie Hulk, Zombie Power Man, Zombie Wolverine, Zombie Captain America, and Zombie Spider-Man, all of whom have more believable monikers than T-Dog. If your loved one would rather gay porn, I suggest Seth Grahame-Smith’s mash-up pastiche Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It’s neither gay nor porn, but I really wanted to plug the book.
For Fans of Carol
If your loved one was particularly affected by Carol’s plight, I invite you to make a donation in his or her behalf to one of the many organisations out there fighting against spousal abuse and gender-based violence. Unsure which are legit and which would likely use the money for unrelated political lobbies? There’s always Amnesty International, which accepts donations online. If your loved one would rather gay porn, uh… Well, at least no one can say it exploits women. Unless it’s lesbian porn. Never mind.
For Fans of Short TV Series about Flesh-Eating Zombies
Has your loved one ever expressed an intense desire to see all the contestants in Big Brother get eaten by undead ghouls? If so, make sure to get him or her a copy of 2008’s Dead Set, a British horror series that answers the question, is five episodes of zombies tearing reality contestants apart more cringe-inducing than Jo O’Meara making a fool of herself on national TV? As it turns out, not quite. It’s way more entertaining though. If your loved one would rather gay porn, then he or she will just have to forget the porn for a moment and make do with Michael Simon’s romantic comedy Gay Zombie (2007), about a decomposing youth learning to cope with his sexuality in West Hollywood.
As My Gift to You, I Impart This Wisdom
Do not shoot power walkers in the head for they are not electric zombies.
That’s all I got. Happy gay porn!