Hmm. How should I start this particular holiday gift guide? I guess I could write about the Grinch Factor, otherwise known as my bid to have Fox News knock at my door with pitchforks and torches.
As I mentioned in the Heroes gift guide, I’m somewhat indifferent to this time of year. For me, ‘tis mostly the season for folk who undoubtedly mean well to invade charity centers and act like they run the places because they have trouble grasping that people are in need year-round and some of us are trying to save resources for the cold months ahead. Meanwhile, my TV insists on telling me day after day that I must be a mean and miserable human being with a tragically worthless existence for choosing to celebrate the winter solstice as I see fit. You think perhaps bombarding lonesome souls who may not have families with this privileged message may be a contributing factor in the rising number of suicides every holiday season?
Still, I do enjoy the pretty colours and the tasty Christmas combos at my favourite snack joints. Now that we’re all in the mood, here’s a holiday gift guide for fans of V. The most obvious gift idea for fans of New V is, of course, Classic V, which the producers will eventually change to make it taste more like Diet V without the benefit of reduced calories.
For Fans of Anna
If your loved one is dying to learn more about the alien queen’s mental processes, look no further than Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannabes, a non-fiction book that provides an in-depth look at the cruel psychology behind high school politics. You thought I was going to recommend Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, didn’t you? That would also make a great gift, but you forget: Anna’s newfound feelings give her the emotional maturity of a teenager with too much power in her hands. You know, kind of like Miley Cyrus.
For Fans of Father Jack
On a related note, it seems to me Father Jack is the member of la Résistance struggling the most with his dual identity. If your loved one digs that aspect of the character, he or she might get a kick out of Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009), in which Miley learns to balance her two lives and truly have the best of both worlds! Alternately, you could play it safe and put in the same box a copy of Giovanni Guareschi’s The Little World of Don Camillo and a DVD of the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake. They’re both really good. Besides, now you’ve got priests, and you’ve got aliens. One of them is bound to score.
For Fans of Tyler
Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009). No, I’m kidding, of course. Your loved one clearly has a healthy sense of humour, so I recommend the DVD of either of these movies: Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) or Nicholas Webster’s Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964). Both films deal with an alien invasion, and both are goofy to the point of accidental genius. On the other hand, if your loved one actually relates to the character, here’s what you need to get: an old rag, a bottle of chloroform, and a shovel. I’ll let you figure out the rest.
For Fans of Keeping Our Blood Supplies Free of R6
What better gift is there than the gift of life? Little Evey says the Disney’s Tangled Tower and Castle play set, but what I’m trying to lead to is the Red Cross. Of course, I’m not suggesting you draw your loved one’s blood in his or her sleep and then mail it (worst gift ever). The organisation does take green, by which I mean money, not toxic alien vein juice. Check out the Red Cross website for information on the various options for donations.
As My Gift to You, I Impart This Wisdom
Should you follow my suggestion for Tyler fans, make sure not to purchase every item at the same time. I once bought a hammer, a pack of condoms, and strawberries at a local all-purpose store. You should have seen the cashier’s face.
On that note, I wish you all a happy holiday season!